


don't think i'll ever get enough

by nunaseaweed



Series: Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time [6]
Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: M/M, tam's only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:40:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29395638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunaseaweed/pseuds/nunaseaweed
Summary: Keefe and Biana have a meaningful conversation.
Relationships: Keefe Sencen/Tam Song
Series: Don't Threaten Me With a Good Time [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159292
Kudos: 4





	don't think i'll ever get enough

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don’t own Keeper. Get it through your thicc skull.  
> Notes:  
> -Sometime during Legacy when no one was dying and trying not to worry.  
> -Biana and Dex were dating, but secretly.  
> -WARNING: Slight mention of homophobia  
> -I didn’t have much time to finish this, it was for Keefe Sencen Appreciation Day, so it’s really short, just a blurb of a 1,000 words.

“How do you end up loving someone so much that it physically pains you to be away from them?”

Although it was a very sudden, deep and philosophical question to ask while sitting on Biana’s bed watching her do her makeup to go see the man who  _ definitely _ wasn’t her boyfriend, Keefe found himself asking anyway. Although most people would’ve been taken aback for a moment, not knowing what to say to the seemingly broken blonde who had gone from cheerful to depressingly thoughtful in just moments, Biana Vacker did not hesitate, she did not seem surprised, she did not think about why he asked, and she did not think about what she would say. She just spoke.

“Well, I don’t know Keefe. Just happens when you find the right person. You don’t want to watch them go, even for a moment, ‘cause they’re the source of your happiness.” Biana let her words flow easily, as if she knew all the answers and didn’t have to struggle through this problem like everyone else. Her tone and easy demeanor were part of the reason Keefe was convinced she was so undermined by everyone else, who always thought of her as nothing more than a pretty face.

Keefe was sure that someone who was just as lost as him wouldn’t be so frank about giving an answer. But Biana seemed to be all knowing and enlightened about the confusing topic of love, or being in love, while Keefe, on the other hand, felt like he was abandoned in a forest that swallowed him whole, just when he thought he saw a world beyond the trees.

“How are they the  _ right person _ if that person could never,  _ ever _ , love me back, in any context?” Keefe wondered, trying not to have an existential crisis on the one day since Tam was taken that none of their friends had had a breakdown or something went wrong. Yet it was just part of his nature to worry about everything and strive for validation. 

Biana, still working on her makeup, replied with, “Things that we can’t have are more appealing.” She turned around in her chair to face Keefe, who was lying on his stomach on her bed with his face held up by his hands. “Look, if we were walking down the street in Atlantis, and I told you not to look at a building, what would you do?”

“Look at it,” Keefe answered blankly.

“Exactly. Now you wouldn’t have done it if I hadn't said anything.” Biana turned back around and took out her eyeliner. “The second something is forbidden, it makes it that much more appealing.”

“So I only like this person because I can’t have them?” Keefe asked, worried. As much as it pained him before that he was in love with someone he hated, who hated him back, he had grown quite fond of the butterflies in his stomach when he was around them. For the longest time Keefe didn’t understand why his throat closed up before he threw back an insult, or why his heart fluttered whenever he saw those stupid silver bangs, but when he did figure it out, he hated it.

For one, Tam was barely his friend. They barely got along, and that bit was only thanks to the constant tries of Linh and Sophie. Keefe was supposed to boil over in fury at the sight of the shade, but instead had his heart doing a trapeze act while he tried to put on a mask on the outside. 

To top that, it was wrong. Not to Keefe of course, who had believed that love was love in whatever form from a young age, but to his dad. Lord Sencen hated people like him, saying it was unnatural, calling them defects. Cassius and the rest of the world. Most elves just didn’t understand, and weren’t willing too. And yet they thought themselves better than humans, and above their petty feuds and discriminations, while they outcasted bad matches and pyrokinetics, and had a hierarchy of abilities.

And the worst part of it all, Keefe didn’t know who he could trust. He would trust the younger Vackers with his life, but he didn’t know their take on homosexuality, and therefore couldn’t find it in himself to come out of the closet.

And now he was worried that it was all a ruse, and none of it was real, and he’d gone through hell with himself just because forbidden things were more appealing. 

Biana seemed to have sensed this as she brought the eyeliner to her eye. “No, no Keefe. Yes, it’s the same concept, but love is much more complicated than that. If it actually hurts you to be away from this person,” she turned around and pointed at her eyes, “Are they even?” At Keefe’s nod she turned back. “-it’s not fake or just lust. There’s always some truth behind a crush, even if it's insignificant. I could help you figure out how much, if you told me who it was.”

Keefe looked startled as her eyes bore into his skin questioningly. “I-I don’t know what you mean, it’s-”

Biana laughed, “Don’t try and tell me it’s Sophie. I don’t know why you think it’s a good idea to pretend you have a crush on her, since it’s evidently making gaps in your friendship with Fitz and might even be confusing Sophie, but there is one thing I understand and that is, you are faking it.”

Keefe didn’t know what to say. Of course it was a bad idea, he knew that, but not having a cover-up would make it more obvious, and more people suspicious. Linh probably would’ve been a better idea, but on his part he felt that Sophie was more realistic, since ‘why would he risk his relationship with his best friends if he didn’t actually love her?’ Of course, the truth was that he was gay. But he wasn’t gonna tell anyone that. “Bia, I-”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Biana assured. “I can tell that you’ll tell us sooner or later, so there’s no reason to rush it and make you feel uncomfortable.”

Keefe had never been more thankful to have Biana Vacker as a friend. She helped him with anything, she didn’t force shit out of him, dealt with his crappy plans and was always there for him. She respected his privacy, even if it meant sacrificing a better understanding of what he was going through and feeling. “You’re the best.”

Biana laughed, “I’m only being reasonable. If you weren’t ever gonna tell us I would’ve made you, but you will, someday.”

“Most people wouldn’t have been reasonable though,” Keefe praised. He knew that his father would’ve made him tell him, then call him a disgrace to the Sencens (as is Lady Gisela being evil wasn’t enough) and disown him. Then where was Keefe gonna get his shampoo?

“Well, I try to be nice,” Biana offered, now doing her hair. “What’s the point of living if you don’t have friends? Friends make you happy, and friends are gained by being nice. I wasn’t exactly good at that before Sophie showed up. Probably why I didn’t have that many actual friends.”

Keefe stared at Biana in surprise. “You were plenty nice. You just got nicer. It’s just that you were a bit obsessed with popularity, and you shallow people became your ‘friends’ as a result.”

Biana smiled at him. “Well, I’m glad to be rid of them. Being popular wasn’t all it was cut out to be, and it didn't really help…” Biana trailed off. It was a bit obvious from the start that she had a motive for being popular, but nobody was quite sure what that was.

“Didn’t really help what?” Keefe asked, concerned. Biana was always there for him, the least he could do is make sure that she knew he’s there for her. 

Biana bit her lip, wondering what she should say. A million thoughts seemed to be swirling around in her head as she decided what she would say. She decided on the truth. “Didn’t really help make me feel good enough.”

Keefe looked as though he had just choked. “Good enough?” he questioned, bewildered. “You, Biana Vacker, don’t think you're good enough?”

Biana sighed, “It’s not like I’m smart, or useful. The least I could do to make me feel important was be pretty and make myself popular, then maybe people would like me. But that was all fake anyway. Now I’ve got nothing.”

Keefe rolled his eyes as he sat up, “You’ve gotta be kidding me,” he muttered. “You think you’ve got nothing that makes you feel important.” At Biana's nod he continued, “Well for starters, you have friends, and a boyfriend - don’t try to deny it - that think you're important. Would I be sitting in this room if you weren’t a good friend?” he asked. 

“Without you to help me out, I would not be half as sane as I am now, and probably would’ve done some dumb shit that landed me in Exile, or anywhere but here, by now. Without you, Fitz would probably be out right now trying to murder Alvar. And what’s this bullshit about you not being smart and useful?”

Biana looked at him and queried, “When have I ever done something as useful as Sophie? Or forget her, she’s the moonlark, but Fitz, or you? Even Dex manages to keep us alive with his gadgets when he stays back from missions.”

“Okay stop comparing yourself to others,” Keefe started. “Everybody does their part and it matters all the same. And lets be real, I’ve done more damage than good-”

“That’s not true.”

“Whatever,” Keefe mumbled, “But you have done a lot. If you weren’t useful, would you be in the Black Swan? Would you be out there with us? Would Vespera have bothered to give you those scars if you didn’t matter?” Biana didn’t flinch at the mention of her scars, which Keefe was extremely proud of. For a long time after getting them, she could barely look at herself in the mirror without bursting into tears, and she’d come a long way. She was stronger. “That’s one of the downsides of being important. People come after you. But how come you still believe you're useless after that?”

Biana frowned, “I don’t know okay? I hear all these things coming from you, and well, I see them but, I don’t know, I just don’t get it. It’s like I’m getting all the information…”

“But not processing it,” Keefe finished.

“Sorry,” Biana mumbled.

“Don’t be sorry. You don’t have the right to be sorry.”

Biana smiled, “I don’t have the right-”

“You heard me,” Keefe insisted, now also smiling. “Close your eyes.”

“What?”

“Close your eyes,” Keefe persisted. “If you still can’t see that you're good enough, and that make-up and shallow imbeciles aren’t gonna change that, then imagine a world without you being born.”

Biana obeyed, closing her eyes. “My parents wouldn’t be too different, they haven’t changed since they were married.”

“But Fitz would be. Can you imagine Fitz with the youngest child vibes? It’s disturbing.”

Biana laughed. “Well yea, he’d probably care about living up to Alvar more than setting the bar higher. But he’d still be friends with you.”

Keefe swung his legs into what Sophie called “Criss Cross, applesauce” and rested his face in his hands, “I would be more of an only child, because I didn’t grow up with you around. Ew, Fitz is right, we don’t deserve rights. Well, try-hard Fitz and stuck-up Keefe, what about the rest?”

“Sophie wouldn’t have become friends with you guys as easily. If she still liked Fitz they probably would've started dating earlier. Dex would still hate Fitz, and you would’ve done somehting dumb and got Exiled, like you said, ‘cause no one was really friends with each other. Marella wouldn’t be either.”

“And the Black Swan?”

“Oh my god, you would’ve ended up murdering one another if you weren't actual friends.”

“And there probably would’ve been a lot of missions gone wrong.” Keefe finished. “So Fitz and I would be different, I would be Exiled, no one would really be friends, and the Black Swan would’ve fallen apart. Think you’re not important now?”

“No,” Biana admitted. “Thanks Keefe.”

“Did you tell anyone else about this?” Keefe wondered, hoping she hadn’t gone the past three years feeling this way and not even telling her brother.  
“I told Fitz and Dex,” she said in a small voice.

“And what did they say?” Keefe questioned.

“Well, okay fine I didn’t tell them yet, but I plan on it.”

“Plan on doing it when?”

“The next 50 years or so.”

“Next 50 years!” Keefe exclaimed.

“We’re elves, time doesn’t really matter,” Biana defended.

“Yeah, we’re elves and guilt breaks our minds. Although it doesn’t seem important now, it could definitely end up causing guilt later. So promise me you’ll tell them soon, as in today.” Keefe offered.

“Fine. As long as you tell me who you have a crush on soon,” Biana compromised.

“That’s different,” Keefe voiced.

“How so?”

“Because I  _ can’t _ tell you. I can’t tell you or Fitz or Sophie or anyone. I just can’t.”

Biana didn’t ask anymore questions. She sat staring at Keefe, until she formed a small theory in her head. But she didn’t say anything of it as she agreed. “Okay, I’ll tell them.”

Keefe got up off the bed and gave her a hug. “If you ever feel like that again, tell me, or Fitz, or your boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfr-”

“When will you admit it?” Keefe asked, exasperated. “Maybe Marella and I will just have to get it out of him instead.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“So you admit there’s something to hide.”

“Oh shut up.”

“Please, I promise I won’t tell Fitz, or Sophie, or I guess, anyone.”

Biana gave in, “Fine. You’re right.”

Keefe hugged her tighter, “Haha, I win!”

Everything seemed so far away in that one moment. His mom, Tam kidnapping, kidnapped the entirety of the Neverseen. It was just Keefe and one of his best friends, having a good time after what felt like ages. And he wished he could stay in that moment forever.


End file.
